How to Set Soul-Aligned Boundaries in Everyday Moments with Suzanne Culberg

Want to set better boundaries without guilt—or burnout? Meet Suzanne Culberg, aka The Nope Coach, who helps over-givers finally say no with love, clarity, and self-respect.

In this powerful and refreshingly real conversation, Suzanne joins Joy to explore why so many sensitive souls struggle with boundaries, especially in relationships, parenting, and even gift-giving. You’ll hear practical ways to reclaim your energy, why people-pleasing doesn't serve your soul, and how to shift from reactive to empowered responses—without being rude or cold.

Whether you're an empath, intuitive, or just someone who feels stretched too thin, this episode will help you finally start honoring your needs and set limits that feel good on a soul level.

🔑 You’ll Learn:
• Why boundary-setting is not selfish (and what it actually creates space for)
• How to say “no” clearly—and kindly
• The subtle difference between asserting a boundary and being perceived as rude
• Ways to model healthy boundaries with children, friends, and partners
• How to reset your people-pleasing habits without guilt

Show Notes: 

Bio: Suzanne Culberg is ‘The Nope Coach’ who helps over-givers and people pleasers learn to set boundaries and say 'No' without feeling like a b!+ch

Suzanne is known for being direct AF and for her wacky t-shirts.  She lives in Sydney, Australia with her husband and 2 awesome children.

Her book: The Beginning is Sh*t -BY SUZANNE CULBERG

Connect with Suzanne:

https://www.suzanneculberg.com/newsletter

My e-mails rock! 🎸🎶

And they’re how you access unique content, offers and fun!

https://www.suzanneculberg.com

https://www.instagram.com/suzanne_culberg

https://www.youtube.com/@suzanneculberg

https://www.facebook.com/suzanneculberg

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Transcript

Unknown: 0:01

Joy, hey, beautiful soul, welcome to spirit speakeasy. I'm Joy Giovanni, joyful medium. I'm a working psychic medium, energy healer and spiritual gifts mentor. This podcast is like a seat at the table in a secret club, but with mediums, mystics and the spiritual luminaries of our time. So come behind the velvet ropes with me and see inside my world as I chat insider style with profoundly gifted souls, we go deep, share juicy stories, laugh a lot, and it wouldn't be a speakeasy without great insider secrets and tips. You might even learn that you have some gifts of your own. So step inside the spirit speakeasy. Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome to another episode of spirit speakeasy. My guest this week is called the nope coach, like N, O, P, E, nope, not having it. Her name is Suzanne Colberg. She is a new friend from Sydney, Australia, and she really opens up and has this amazing conversation with us. I you'll hear me mention in the episode. I've been on her newsletter for a little while now, and I really love the way she so openly shares and suggests and we really get into it around boundaries, understanding, you know, why they're so important, why it's important to start understanding our own boundaries and taking responsibility when possible, earlier in relationships. But we also really unfold boundaries with our kids, boundaries in small ways, with friends, with gift giving and receiving. The difference between asserting a boundary or stating a boundary and being rude, like we really go into it quite a bit. And I just love this conversation. I could have talked to her for hours and really just continue to unfold this idea around boundaries. I know a lot of us as sensitives, as empaths, as intuitives, and just as human souls, we tend to want to please people and want to make other people feel comfortable and happy. And we really talk about how both things can be true at the same time, we can want to nurture others and set things up in a way that's going to feel win win for everyone, but that we get to have our feelings too and be a priority as well. So without further ado, I'm so excited to welcome you into spirit speakeasy and welcome you into this conversation with Suzanne Colberg, and of course, all of her wonderful links are in the bio. Join me right now for this conversation with Suzanne Kohlberg, the nope coach. Hey, beautiful souls, welcome back for another episode of spirit speakeasy. Our guest today is Suzanne Kohlberg. She is known as the nope coach who helps over givers and people pleasers learn to set boundaries and say no without feeling like a bitch or a mean person, whatever you like in there. Suzanne is known for being a direct AF and of course, for her wacky T shirts. She lives in Sydney, Australia with her husband and two awesome children, and as you will soon learn, she is a self proclaimed sweary fairy. Welcome in, Suzanne, thanks for being here with us today. Thank you so much joy. I was like, what t shirt do I have on today? Intro, to unite, perfect separately. So down the bottom, it's like introverts unite separately. I love it that is perfect for a lot of our listeners and friends of the pod. I would love it if you would just kind of start by sharing a little bit of your story. You have such an interesting, multi faceted background, I'm curious how you got to be the nope coach. But when people say that, it's like, where do you want to stop? Seriously, let's start with you were on track at one point to be a medical physician? Oh, okay, yes. When I yeah, I went to medical school, and I knew in like the first week that this wasn't for me. I think a lot of times people stick at things for a very long time, but when you've really asked them or reflect they know, at the outset, like, but I wasn't the no coach, then I didn't stand my ground or speak up for myself. And my parents were like, oh, but you worked so hard to get in. Like, you know, just, just give it a couple of years. Like, it will get better once you start seeing patients, once you're out of this clinical, school, uni setting, you know, it didn't get better, and at the time, it's since changed, but you used to do it was a two degree program here. So the end of the fourth year, you get your Bachelor of Medical Science, and then the end of your sixth year you get the Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery. So I agreed to stay for the four years. That's quite a bit of hanging in. And then one time I got to the end of the fourth year, my parents like, it's only two more years. You've already done four What's that? So I actually did fifth year. So I stayed for one extra year, and then I was done. And everybody always fascinates people. They're like, but you were so close, you only had a year to go. And I was like, Yeah, to be a doctor of nothing like when you. Medical School, yes, you have MD, yes, you have doctor in front of your name, but you need to do an intern year, and then residency, which is a couple of years minimum, and then registrar, which is usually up to 10 years. So you're looking at a decade before you're like a physician, unless you become a general practitioner. It's shorter. But I didn't want to follow that path, you know. But I was like, why am I here? So I think, you know, technically, that was the beginning of like, nope, nope, I'm out. And I was just like, I don't want to do this. And I think sometimes people like, oh, but what about the time you've spent? And then they have this sunk cost fallacy and whatever. But yeah, you the money's been invested in going to this school, and whatever the money's done, I can't get it back, and the time is gone. Can't get that back either, but continuing to spend more time and more money and more energy trying to turn around the Titanic when we know that ship sinking, yeah, not a good use. So I actually hadn't made that connection, but great question I probably was the beginning of me going like, No, this is not for me. It's such a powerful lesson. And I feel like so many people, whether it's medical school or maybe a relationship that we felt like we were supposed to be in to follow our family's expectations, or a job that we have time in and a field that we've been like trudging along knowing somewhere deep inside maybe it's not quite a fit. I I've actually, you don't know this about me, but I've been criticized quite a bit in my life for jumping ship or being a quitter, quote, unquote. I always look at it as counting my losses sooner than later when I realized something's like, really not for me, but I just love that you have this as part of your experience. I think it's so powerful. And saying like, Hey, it's okay to, you know, take, take that ship and turn it a different direction. I also think it's fascinating when people are so quick to label people as quitters or this or that, like, are you really a quitter? Or do you have the strength to go? I don't want to be in this space, so I'm removing myself from it. I think it takes so much more wherewithal to leave than it does to hang out in something that's not serving you well. There's those layers of fear and people pleasing and expectation. And I lovingly call myself a recovering people pleaser. As you know, a lot of us here are, and we recognize some things in ourself that we're working on and creating better boundaries around. But I don't know about you, but for me, it feels like sometimes something will come in so sneakily from the side and it's like, oh, man, I didn't even realize that I was doing that. I've been loving your newsletter, your weekly I think it's more than, more than once a week that you send out, sometimes a little a little blurb or a little writing about your experience. And I just love that those are so honest and raw and real. And one of the things I'm so drawn to about your work is that it's not about achieving some standard of perfection or doing it right. It's about being human and adjusting along the way, right? Well, I don't know. I can't speak for everyone, but from my observations, the people who have achieved that level of perfection that we aspire to? Are you usually miserable? Like, and then we can't understand it. We're like, but you're rich, or you're famous, or you're successful, or you've made it, or whatever, like, you should like, if I was that, and it's like, but they're not. And I think the level is big, honestly, it's like, actually, I got this thing. I've reached the pinnacle, and it sucks. People being honest about that, rather than talking it up into something like I remember having my kids, and I said to my parents, like, you didn't tell me how hard this would be. And they're like, Oh, if we told you how hard it be, you might not have had them so funny, and it's, it's just a little bit more honest, rather than because I think so many people get down on themselves or second guess themselves, or beat themselves up because you think you're the only one and you're not. It's just people aren't talking about it in whatever it is, about how hard it is, it's so true, either it's so hard, or we realize once we achieve the thing or the certificate or whatever it is, like, Oh, I'm still missing the thing that I thought this was gonna cover. I'm still me. I've loved the way I've met the man I've got the kids I bought the house, and I'm not suddenly magically self confident and loving every single day, like there's still work to do. Nobody told me this. All the internet gurus told me that I just need to do this stuff, and then I'd ride off into the sunset. Like, where's my sunset? I know. Will you share the part of your story that I read about? Sometimes we call it like a down in your knees. Moment, your bathroom stall. Moment, I love this story. Do you want me to share it, yeah, I would love it. Yeah. Okay, so this, technically, is the nope coach. Like, it's funny, you try and come up with that pivotal moment, or whatever it is, and this is the one that I came to, but the medical school one might have also been one. I think none of us have one pivotal moment. We have a lot of them. You have a lot of the bits that are just kind of like knocking at your door, that. You ignore. But so basically, I when I had my oldest child, I met a bunch of women who were also having children, and we formed like this, mum's group, and one of them didn't have a car. And when I was like, driving with my daughter to wherever it was, I'd see her pushing her son in the pram. I think you guys call it a stroller, but anyway, yeah, and I was and a couple of times I'd see her coming home from the supermarket, like the grocery store, with all the bags tied around the stroller. And I was like, that must be so hard. So I said to her, Would you like me to take you to the shop, like the supermarket once a week when I go and we can get our groceries? And she was like, oh my god, I'd love that. And that to me, like, that's being generous. And I think a lot of us people pleasers were like, Oh, I'm not a people pleaser. I'm just generous. So if you're doing something anyway, I'm going to the supermarket. Would you like me to pick you up? You're on the way. That's generous. So once a week I pick her up. She put her son's car seat in off. We go. When we buy the groceries, put them in the boot. You guys are caught the trunk. Her bags would be open. My bags would be tied off. So we knew who's was, who was fun. It was efficient. We had the best time. Then what started to happen was, like, in the middle of the week, she'd be like, Oh, I've run out of nappies. Can you quickly run me to the shop? Or, Oh, I've got to, you know, get this. And that is not generous. But once again, I didn't say no. It was only one extra time. It's not a big deal. Sure you're building a relationship with this person, and there's you're cultivating a friendship a little bit. So I'm probably lent you more to doing it and saying yes, a couple of times. It was twice a week, then it become three times a week, and then it became every other day. And I think for us, you know, recovered people pleasers, or people who are still in people pleasing thing, it doesn't start the way that you end up. And I think that's where a lot of us it's like, Well, I never said no, or I never did this. If I met this person, and from day one, she's like, every other day I want you to run me all over the place. No. It's so easy to say no then, but it's not how it starts. It starts so insidiously. And then her family, like we call ourselves, I can't remember, but most of us had family interstate, so her family was coming to visit. She's like, can you pick them up from the airport? The airport's over an hour from my house, and I didn't think to say no, they were catching a flight that landed just after 6am so here I am driving an hour and, you know, all these little things. Then it was her kids first birthday party. Can you take all the stuff down to the park then, because the parents were here? Oh, well, I can't. I'm going to go and hang out with them, so then I'm washing up all the items from her kids birthday anyway. It got ridiculous. It got ridiculous, but in the back of my head, there was a little bit of resentment, if I'm being honest, like, you know, but I never said anything. And I think this is a point too, like, I didn't speak up. So one day, we're at a mum's group meeting, hang out. I'm in the toilet, so I'm in the bathroom stall, and she's at the sink with another friend, and the friend's like, do you want to come to whatever this is? And then the friends like, oh, actually, you don't have a car, so sorry, you know? And she's like, Oh no, Suzanne will take me. She's my little bitch. And I'm sitting in stall, and I just feel like my chest tighten and my shoulders sag, and I feel like, oh my gosh, like she doesn't value me at all. She just called me her little bitch. Like, I don't think I was mad as much as I was hurt. Yeah, and I think you're saying the truth hurts, like that was the moment it I was and I didn't handle that in any way the way I would now, like, it's been many years, and I've worked a lot on this, and now it's my career, but that friendship was kaput, and yeah, it just, it really, really hurt. And I realized that in my bid to be a good friend, I was a doormat. And they call people pleasers, sometimes exploding doormats, like, you take it, you take it, you take it, until you don't yeah. So yeah, that's kind of how that went down. That, I mean, it's so many, it's so multi layered, right? Because it is hurtful, because you thought you had a different friendship with this person than clearly what their intention was. And it's probably you realizing, Oh, I've been being manipulated to some degree here, but then I could feel in there that evaluation too, of like, oh, well, I did say yes to these things, and I did, like, I didn't say no. So if someone is hearing this and realizing like, Oh, I'm kind of doing that with, you know, either another parent at school or someone in my workplace, what do you feel like are the first steps for someone when they're identifying like, oh, yeah, I kind of am agreeing to things that I don't really want to be agreeing to, and maybe I am having poor boundaries for being taken advantage of before I get to the first step. The one thing I want to say is, if you are like me, and you kind of blow up, or you kind of bring it up in a way that's not healthy in the beginning, and that's okay. You haven't got the skills yet, sometimes the person will laugh it off, and that's what did happen. Like a few people, I didn't get into this on my website, and people have messaged me and said, so what? Happened, like, when you raised it and she laughed it off and she said, Oh, it was just a joke. It wasn't a joke to me. And I think sometimes people can kind of get around their shitty behavior by like, Oh, it's just trying to be funny. So it's like, no, no, it's not funny to you. So being able to speak up and say, but to your point, like, when you notice, oh, gosh, this is happening. The thing that I do now always, if anyone asks me for anything, except unless I have it right here, like, if I'm holding my pan and joy, you're like, can I borrow your pen? You're sure, here you go. Like, it's right here. You're like, Suzanne, can you bake cakes for the stall? Can you like, oh, recently, my kids footy team, they want me to be the goal umpire. I'm like, I can't think if anything worse, like, what if I make the wrong call? But any sort of request, I'll get back to you. Like, I need to check my diary. Like, never make a decision in the moment ever. I don't even do this on a sales call. Like, you can go into things on business and people, like, if you make the call now I'll give you. I don't care if you give me. I don't care what you give me. I need to sleep on it. And, you know, and just like, don't make the decision, right? Then it's like, yeah, I will get back to you. I'll check my diary. Or if you know straight away that you really don't want to do it, but you kind of feel awkward about saying no, you say something along the lines of, I'm at capacity this week. If you still need help with this. Come back to me next week, or come back to me next month, or whenever, put the ball back into their court. Because a lot of the times, the people like this woman wanting someone to go pick up her parents at the airport, or wanting to pick up her groceries, nappies, prescription, whatever it is, they need that done urgently. So when you kind of say, like, not right now, they're going to go to the next sucker in line. So they're not going to come back to you, because they need this thing done. Stat. So basically, by saying, Actually, not right now, I'm busy this week, come back to me next week, or whatever, then they're going to move on to the next person. You don't really even need to have any form of awkward conversation. This is such a good tip. This one has worked for me for years, because I feel like I get really anxious. Is typically my first response. I do often quickly know if I could technically do the thing or couldn't do the thing. But I think for me, I tend to want to say yes to things, or want people to like me or want to, you know, help with the thing. And I often in the past, still, sometimes now, if I'm honest, will find myself agreeing to things and then even before the conversation is done, I'm like, Oh, I don't I didn't want to do that, or I wanted to have that hour to myself, or whatever it is. So I think it is such an empowering tool to just say, like, can you just pause and say, Can I sleep on that? Or let me get back to you tomorrow about that, or whatever it is, just to give some spaciousness, even if it's just to, like, exhale and evaluate, like, how do you actually feel about this request? Right? And the next tip after you've done that, or if that one's not open to you, so, like, with my daughter's football team. Can you be the goal umpire? I'd rather die. It's kind of like, that isn't the best use of my skills. Or, like, you know, whatever it is, what else do you need done? It's kind of like, is there another job open? And they're like, oh, we need somebody to cook the barbecue down. I can do that. I can stand there some sausages. That's not that hard. But you know what I mean, it's kind of like, or, if the school wants me to sell chocolates or bake cakes or whatever, what else do you need done? Like, what other jobs are there? Or like, whenever the school asks me to sell chocolates, like fundraising, let's, let's break this down. The chocolates are $4 a box. The school maybe makes 50 cents. They give me 50 boxes, so they're going to get like, $25 we know that's going to be $200 worth of chocolate in my house, because I'm not going to let my kids door knock, and I can't sell them to their friends, because their friends go to the same school, so they have their own chocolate. So I'm like, let's just cut out the middle man. Here's 30 bucks donation to the school. They're $5 ahead. Everyone's happy. So I'm not out of $200 and 1000s of calories. So it's kind of like, there is there an alternate thing? So I think, you know, sometimes, especially if there's a friendship, like, say, for example, you're like, Suzanne, I want to go and see, I don't know, like, Downton Abbey or something, and be like, oh joy. Thank you so much for inviting me to the movies. I'm not really into, like, period drama. What else is there showing that you want to see? It's like, I want to spend time with you, or I'm not really a movie buff. What else could we do? Oh, do you like bowling? Let's go. So I think sometimes we feel this anxiousness is in like, Oh my God. It's this or nothing, and then this level of honesty. So like, or if you invite me to, like, a Tupperware party or whatever it's like, I don't really like plasticky kind of stuff, but if you have a candles party, I'll be the first person there. So I think, yeah, that rejection is just a redirection. Because what tends to happen, you invite me to Tupperware party. Oh, no, not this week. The kids have so power. And then you ask me next time. I've got no intention going, so you ask me next time. Oh. Oh no, my husband is away, and then every time, and then the person's like, I think she just doesn't want to hang out with me. And it's like, I want to hang out with you. I just not interested in plastic. So people like, I don't want to be rude by saying this. And it's like, but are you being more rude by going next time, next time, next time, when you have no intention of it? Well, it's so true. And then I think for some people, for myself at times, even just the trying to negotiate, like, Okay, well, I don't really want to do that. It feels a little confrontational in some way, even though it's not so I love having that extra half step of like, is there something else that you want to do, especially as I kind of toe that line, or can flex between introvert and extrovert? I just had a friend last week. It was her birthday, and I said, you know, can I take you to lunch? And she was already having lunch with some friends, and my immediate, like, internal gut response was like, I don't know them. I'm gonna be intruding. This is awkward. What if they wanted special time with, like, this whole laundry list of probably people pleasing thoughts. But it's funny, because I kind of slipped just into what you said, and said, You know, I just, since I don't know them, maybe I could meet them a different time, and I'd love to take you to coffee another time. Let me know what, what feels spacious for you has been a phrase I've been using a lot with people. So I love that little. It's like a half step, if it's too big of a step to say no, or let me, let me look at my calendar. Or, like you said, with the soccer, it's like, or football, it's right away, right? It's like, right now. So you can get on the think about a time, and I've got a story where, okay, I'll give a story. And then my mom, one time for Mother's Day, I purchased her white linen perfume. I don't know why, like, part of me is like, I don't tend to buy anyway. I don't know why I bought her this, but anyway, she was like, spraying it on everywhere she's coating on. Oh my God, my mom loves this. That's where I went to It's like she's using it all the time. She's spraying like there's no tomorrow. So in my head, I was like, my mom loves it. So every mother's day, every birthday, every Christmas, I was like, Here you go. Here's your next white linen. I thought I was the best daughter in the world. Anyway, fast forward till I have my own child. So this is how long I've been buying her this stuff for. Oh gosh, first Mother's Day School, my little kindy child. So she's like, four or five comes and gives me this. I don't know what it is. And anyway, I am like, oh my god, it's awful. And I'm like, my daughter's name is Anthony. I'm like, Sandy, thank you so much. I love that you went to Mother's Day store and bought this thing, and I really appreciate it. Mummy doesn't like smelly, scented things, which is true. I'm very, you know, I said, So in future, could you get me a sticker or a card or, you know, like, I gave her a list of things that I'd like, but not anything that has a scent with it. And she's like, Okay, mommy, and off she totals, and everyone's happy. And my mom is watching this interaction, and the second she's out of earshot, she's like, You're the worst mother in the world. I'm like, Excuse me, just, how dare you tell your daughter you don't like her present? I'm like, What do you mean? Just, do you know how many years I've been wearing white linen? And I'm like, so like, who is the back part? I'm sure that shit was expensive, and I was saving up, and I thought that you loved it. I think sometimes, in our people pleasing ways, we don't speak up, we don't say I don't like this or whatever. We're just like and like. I've had clients. I remember I had lady in my Patreon. I can't remember what episode I was talking about. I have a solo podcast, and she was, she relayed this story, and she was like, my grandmother bought me this jumper that was hideous, like, absolutely hideous. And I would just like, you know, crack it out whenever she came over and make sure I wear it whatever. And then she's like, she moved away or something. I was like, Oh, I'm not going to see her again. So she's like, I donated it to, like, the op shop or whatever. But then she was like, coming to visit. She's like, so I'm driving from op shop to op shop to buy this job. And anyway, then the grandmother asked about it, and she was honest, and she said, Look, I didn't really like it. And she's like, Well, why didn't you tell me? Like, I would have people when they're giving you a gift or wanting to spend time with you. Like, imagine, like, I wonder how many relationships, friendships break up for this very thing, like my husband, I have been together 23 years now, and from the get go, I was like, I don't I don't like Japanese animation. I love that. You love it, but I'm not going to sit through this pretend and then five years into our relationship, be like, God, can we watch something that I want to watch? So it's like, you do something they're not saying not ever, like, if my kids play sport, I'll go watch them play sport, even if the sport doesn't interest me, because that's me being there for them. But if they're like, What do we want to do together? I'm not going to go, let's go to a sports match. So, yeah, I think it's so interesting. So maybe part of it when it's possible, or when we've kind of worked on in a little bit. It sounds like the best way to do it is start boundaries earlier in a relationship, or at least saying your opinion, kind of like, I don't, I don't love this anime, but, like, I'll do it sometimes, whatever it is, but if we're I'm excited to ask you about this, because I struggles, maybe not the right word, but I struggle with this a little bit, like, if I'm receiving a gift. I'm so grateful that someone has like gone through the time and the thought, and even if it's a lovely gift that's very special, but maybe not something I would ever use or like or want to where's that line of offending someone or hurting their feelings, or, you know, saying it when it's unnecessary or rude, versus this boundary of like, I like you said with your mom, like, I so appreciate you. You know you doing this, but actually, I'd really rather not have something that's has a scent. I think, personally, it's kind of the meaning of cruel to be kind. It's in like, if, if, if somebody gives you something, you can be thankful that they thought of you like. You can be like, thank you so much. I appreciate the gesture, or I appreciate you know, so like, not a gift as such, but a lot of my clients, a lot of my followers, a lot of my people, write books, and I love to read. And in the beginning, if people would send me a book, I feel so obligated to read it, because, like, they sent it to me, and what happens is, if I don't like it and I'm stuck reading it, that's like 10 hours across the room right now, like this. So it's kind of like now what I say to people, and also, too, before you give somebody something, depending on how it is, ask them, do they actually even want it? Like, if it's their birthday and you've given them a gift, but like, gift, but like in business, people will give you stuff all the time in hopes that you will shout it out or mention it or whatever. But you know, if you haven't been clear, like, there's been some times where people have written back to me and go, Well, you shouted out this person's book and I sent you mine, but there was no worded contract here. So it's kind of, if someone says to me, Hey, I've written a book. Can I send it to you? What I will say to them is, I'd love a chapter. Like, send me a chapter, because then I can read it and go, Oh, that's awesome. Joy. Send me the rest of your book. I'd love to do, or whatever. But, like, one chapter doesn't take me that long. But I think, you know, we if it's someone's birthday and we're giving them a gift, are we taking the time to see what they actually like? Are we giving them what we would like or what we think they should like, and then getting annoyed? So if anyone gives me any day call for my house and I don't like it, I'm not displaying it. I'm not putting in the cupboard and pulling it out when joy comes over. It's just like, I didn't ask for this. And I think sometimes we get all offended and bent out of shape, but the person has clearly said what they like, like, in the days of gift registries and stuff, there's really no excuse if someone's like, oh, you know, here's you, I'm getting married, here's my wedding gift registry. Oh, I don't want to get him something off that I want to get in this. I had this happen for my wedding. My goodness, friend, I love registry. Like, please give me a registry. She gave me this stuff. I didn't like it, and it was just like, it was so awkward. But it's like, that's something you wanted to display in my house. I'm not going to put it up just because you're coming over. And I think the more we have this kind of conversations with love, with care and in terms of starting to set boundaries, as you said earlier, in the relationship with people you don't know, like, I was so bad. I was such a yes person. If I went anywhere, would you like a side of corn? Yes. Would you like a bag? Yes. Would you like some I buy everything like I would be the sucker for the add on sale. If you're like me, start with that. No. Thank you. I brought my own bag, you know, yeah, in the littlest place, and then celebrate that. Like, yes, gosh, and it's funny to people who don't have an issue with this, like, my husband's never had an issue saying no. He's like, What about Earth? Why are you happy that you said no to the corn? If you'd wanted corn, you would have ordered it. This is such an important thing, though, because so many of us are conditioned or taught that, like, it's rude to say no, or it's rude to not accept a gift, or to not engage, and truly, what you're saying is, is right. We should be able to have boundaries with total strangers, of course, and then maybe graduate to those that are closest to us. It's rude to Is it rude to have boundaries or whatever, or say no to a gift? What is the intention behind the gift, like the number of people who give my star my podcast a five star rating, I love that. Thank you so much. And if they say I also have a podcast, I may or may not choose to listen to it, but this has been one occasion where someone sent me things, so I gave you a five star rating. Here's my show. You can give me one. Anyway. I looked at it, and I was like, This is not a topic I have any intention of listening to. So I was like, thank you so much for your five star rating. I really appreciate it. That's not in a in a niche that I'm interested in listening to, but I wish you all the best for the show. They wrote back and go, well, in that case, I've chained my five to one. And I was like, that's good for you, like people holding you over a barrel, yeah. And for me personally, when I go to look at something. I don't look at five or one star ratings. I look at three. That's where you're going to get the real interesting. Yeah, I look at both, but I want to see, what are they like? What's the one over? You know what I mean? Like, is there something ridiculous? You can just give people things. It's like, yeah, if you don't. This for me, I'm going to give you a bad rating on Google. Okay, cool. That's really manipulative. And I think sometimes, as people, pleasers tend to attract narcissistic or, like, bodies, yeah, givers need to have boundaries because takers don't have any. So it's like, and I just think the little permission thing is in like, I have this. I'd like this, are you open to an invitation, not a demand, right? Sometimes we get demanding, like, I got this for you, and you should like it, and you're going to hang it up and you're going to wear it every day, and it's like, no, yeah. I mean, that's it makes sense when you say it like, sometimes in this situation, it could feel a little different. So how does someone go from Is it as simple as starting to implement with strangers in your day to day? What's the next step from that to kind of okay? I've practiced saying no to the bag or the upgrade. What's the next layer of that? I'd think about it as in, if you were going to the physical gym and you see the really fit people like bicep curling. The dumbbells are like, you know, 20 or 40 pounds, and you can't even lift that off the rack. You need to start down in the one pound section and start where you are. So sometimes you listen to a podcast, read a book, whatever, and go, Oh my god, boundaries, I got this. And then you go and try and implement it. You're like, oh my gosh, I don't got this. And then you beat yourself up and add, add to the evidence of how you can't do this. Yeah, but if you're going to the physical gym, you wouldn't expect to be able to curl those curls because you're not physically fit enough yet. And it's the same boundaries, and no muscle needs to be built. So every time that you say no to the bag or no to the upgrade, or, you know, no thanks to school chocolates or whatever, or ask for an alternate, celebrate that, like, let that grow, and look at how many times people aren't offended or affronted or whatever. Like, I remember times where I've sat in something, I've been so cold because I'm too scared to ask, can we bump thermostat up a couple? Or I've dropped my cutlery on the ground and being like, I can't ask for another set. Why not? It's like, every time that you start to speak up or you start to like, have you watched Ted lasso? Joy, yes. Oh my gosh. What an amazing show. Remember the scene where he goes to the Indian restaurant? He says, Make it like your family has it, and he doesn't know, and then he's there eating it. And then Troy, whatever his name is, it's like, I can't eat this. And he's like, put it on my plate. We can't offend them. So, yeah, crying like that was me. That would be me. I was like, Oh my gosh. I remember going to dinner at a friend's place. They invited us over for this, um, I'd never had an Indian meal before, and it was something similar to that. But also, too, there wasn't a lot of food. And I thought, Oh, okay. I didn't realize there's like, 10 rounds of this. So I was so full that I'm just still eating, because I couldn't dare say, Oh my gosh. So it's kind of like start to speak up, and every time that people don't push back or don't make you feel crap about yourself. Just notice that the majority of the things in our head that they're going to go say, do be like the person who's like, I'm going to give you a one star. Then that's been one person. I've only had 50 of those emails, so probably got hundreds of views on my show, and don't define your entire life by one person like you said how much you love my emails earlier in this call. I love I appreciate that. At least once a week somebody will write back and say, Fuck off. Stop sending me shit. I kid you not. They sign up. I don't go around stealing emails off the internet. So it's kind of yeah, there's always going to be people who have their stuff going on, but it's very little to do with us. Well, I think it's such a good point too, that it's like, yeah, make sure you're also tallying the times when the world didn't implode, or the person just said, Okay, that's fine, and moved along with their day. And because I do think we exhale on those. But for me, anyway, I'm maybe not as mindful of like, okay, let's look at the actual record here. Maybe one person you know, got offended over something, but the vast majority, we do tend to hold on to that one negative or challenge or versus, you know, really checking in on like, okay, historically, how's this going? Sorry. Like, your response when I said wishlist, a registry, you're like, I'll give me a registry. Most people who are giving you something want to give you something that you like, unless they have an agenda, and then it's not really a gift. Then is it right? So it's kind of like when you say to somebody actually like, it's funny. For a long time, pink was my favorite color. Now it's purple, and people would always buy me pink stuff. And I love this. This is great, awesome in future. I like purple now and then, oh, noted it's not, I didn't drop it on the ground and stomp on it. I didn't throw it back at you and say, it's awful. I can appreciate this. And kind of like, you know, same as, like, chocolate I used to love. I don't know if you have it there. It's called Cadbury cream egg. It was, I know, yeah, we do have Cadbury. It is a thing here. And I ate it for years and years and years and years and years and years, and then I moved into state. When my husband, I got married, and I'd know my tastes changed. I don't like it. My family every year, when we did Easter we don't anymore, I kind of lovingly remind them I don't actually like this anymore. Oh yeah, next year they'd forget. I didn't throw it back, I didn't stop it, I didn't eat it. They didn't know that. So receiving the thing that. Kind of lovingly, gently educating them, the same as like, I run an online business, so I don't work a nine to five. My dad, if he tries to get hold of me during the day, he'd ring me. So I get off a call like this, and I look at my phone, I have 15 missed calls, and my thought would be like, who died. That's where my brain goes. So saying, Dad, if I don't answer, just send me a text, or in the morning, say, I want to chat today when you break because he's retired that and sometimes, like setting these boundaries, people don't get it straight away. And I think that's what we don't want to impose, or we don't want to be rude if you've been doing if you've been living your life this way up until now, if you've been sitting through Japanese animation with your husband because he loves it, and be like, I can't stand this. And you kind of say to him, that is not really my jam. And he'll go, yeah. And then you have to tell him about 10 times. It doesn't mean that he doesn't value you. It's just that you've developed this habit, and now you need to develop a new one. And also, too, whenever you have a conversation about a boundary or something, make sure you have the person's full attention. I can ask my husband for the world when he's playing his Xbox, and he'll say yes, and then he'll have no recollection of it because he wasn't paying attention to me. He wasn't there, really. So how do you if someone does feel or hear themselves in this conversation and say, yeah, actually, with my partner, there are some things I'd like to just create a new boundary around. How does someone I'm single right now, so I don't have this situation right now, but how does one say, Okay, I want to create the space and time and focus for this conversation, but I don't want to do the thing where I make it seem like a big deal. Or how do we do it in a way that doesn't feel accusatory, that feels very gentle and easy, but we're still making sure we have like that carved out focus. It will depend on your relationship and how they'll receive it. So like, for me, for Suzanne, if anyone says to me, we need to talk, yeah, to me, oh my god, I'm about to get fired. Like, oh, like, sometimes I'll get an email subject heading about your newsletter, and I'll be like, Oh God, what tire rate are they going to go down? Yeah, so my kids know they have to text me with everything is fine, but I need to talk or whatever. Yes, calls and you see that number, and I'm like, hello, and they most office ladies or gentlemen, usually ladies will say it's such and such from a school, the kids are fine and they can feel, you know, but sometimes they don't, and you do, and you're not listening, because you're waiting for, have they fallen off a screen, right, exactly. So it's kind of like, what kind of relationship do you have with the person, with the friend, the partner? So like, with my husband, he's very he's an engineer. He's so, okay, I'll be like, I'll be like, we need to have a conversation. And he'll be like, Okay, let's schedule the time like he's not me, but if he says that to me, alarm bells will be going. You don't need to be the same as in, like how you approach but if you're approaching somebody like me, everything's fine, it's your thing, yeah. But I want to have a talk, or a serious talk, or a heart to heart, or however you word it when you be available, like a schedule a time, because sometimes we've built this up in our head. That's really whatever for us. We don't know what they've got going on. So, like, even with your friends. So with my friends, I'm so introverted. Don't call me as in, like, Don't ring without texting me first. Hey, yeah, one of my friends is a raging extrovert. She's like, I didn't make friends with you. You You didn't make friends with me. I adopted you. And just recently, I rang her, and she answered with, what's wrong? And I was like, that's fine. And she's like, You never ring without texting first. And I was like, I was out for a walk. And the kid, you know, that was just so funny, though, because we've developed this thing. So how you approach the thing is in whether it's, you know, we need to talk like I could do with my husband. He'd be fine or nothing's wrong, but I want to make some changes. I want to have a chat, or a heart to heart or whatever, so that you can schedule the time, so that you can both not have your distractions, so your phones are on silent or whatever it is, and you could be you sit at a table, you go for a walk, you sit on the couches, talk on the phone, whatever it is, but having that time so that they're prepared for it as well, or on board, or giving you the attention and then deciding how you talk about it. Because sometimes I think people are scared to set a boundary, because they're like, oh my gosh, this person will be so mad, or whatever. A boundary means you want to continue the relationship. A boundary is a good thing. If you didn't want you know, you wouldn't bother so it's kind of like and then when you start the conversation, I always begin them with up until now, so you acknowledge this is how it's been happening up until now. Whenever we watch something, it's always been Japanese animation. Honestly, I love you. I don't actually love that as much as you do. So I'd like to find something that is a middle ground, or something that we both enjoy. So from here on out, can we try some new things or whatever, and it's just, it's as simple as that. Up until now, you can do this in business. I've had a number of like, I don't do DMS in my business in any way, shape or form. I think unsolicited DMS, the dick pics, the social media world. I hate. Don't want to. So with my clients, up until now, I've answered via whatever platform. And also, too, I don't know about you, but I can't keep track. Did I message them on Facebook or Instagram or WhatsApp or tell it? No, it's so much, yeah, it's a lot kind of like, and from here on, yeah. And also, how does that land for you? Like, what do you think? What are your thoughts? You're bringing them in so I can think of a very personal exam example. It's got to do with my kids. My daughter has anxiety. I have anxiety too. I'm not surprised. Um, and she for me, what would have been ideal is that she'd tell me immediately after school, like, this is what's happened. And what would happen is she come to me at like, 10 o'clock at night when I'm about to get into bed. I'm, like, brushing my teeth, and she should be in bed, and then she'd offload, and then I would listen, but then I can't go to sleep after that, like, I'd tuck her in, and she would have got rid of all this stuff, and off she'd go to sleep. And then I'm like, Oh, I'm the world's worst mom and this and that. And you're in like, damage control mode, yeah. 2am unpacking my own emotions. So I'm like, up until now, I've talked about this. Whenever you want to talk about it, I can't have these conversations so close to bed, because also my son gets up. He's on the spectrum, so he gets up really early. So anyway, so I want to have these conversations immediately after school. And she's like, okay, okay, okay, okay. And then after school, she wouldn't say anything. And then that night, it'd be 10 at 10pm again, so having to hold that boundary and say actually no, the first night, I was like, I'm the worst mom in the world. But then what happened is, over time, I started checking in, because the thing is, she wasn't so and what we worked out was, after school, it was too soon for her. She had, she hadn't unwound enough yet, but in the evening is too late for me. So it ended up being around 7pm so we've had dinner, kind of like that, wind down time. And then, you know, some of this boundary you can have, like for me, ideally, after school, it didn't work. So it changes over time, and you have these conversations with the people that you love, but then you need to hold the boundary when it's 10pm and so now what happens is it's about seven. I check in each day, anything you want to unpack. No, you know that if we don't unpack it now, it's got to wait till tomorrow. I know, because then they'll just keep doing the same thing if you let it. So it can be really hard in the beginning, but people get it, and then you grow together. Well, it's a great point too, because it's a work in progress. It's some of it sounds like it's about knowing your audience, the person that you want to talk to. Maybe they, maybe they're not good before they've had a cup of coffee in the morning, or whatever it is. So that's me. So maybe there is some consideration on both parts. It's funny, you mentioned this. I'm having a little boundaries thing with my daughter. She's oh my gosh, 24 now, and she likes to only text. We both have our own anxiety stuff and our own processing stuff. So she prefers to text. She prefers things in writing. I have a challenge when it's a serious conversation, I feel like I'm being asked to put it in, like, a social media post of like, put this very serious response to this dramatic event, yes, exactly. And I'm like, Okay, this is not working for me, because she's not hearing my tone. She's not and when I'm direct, because I tend to be very soft around the edges with people I care about. If I'm direct, people tend to read it as I'm angry I'm being me, whatever it is. So how would you address it if people have boundaries that are a little bit at odds? It sounds like that's kind of what happened with your daughter, where it's you preferred one time she preferred another. And we kind of kept stepping around each other until we could massage it enough and meet in the middle if you have different communication styles. So that's another example. Like, I prefer talk, because, as you said, you can hear tone, and you can hear the pauses, everything. If I have to write something, it takes me 10 times as long, yeah, because then I need to rewrite it, then oh, what if I hear it like this? Like, if I say no, oh no, you know you can say oh yeah. She thought about No, two different inflections there. It's having the conversation. So most of my one on one clients, I do Voxer like voice message with and there is one client, and for whatever reason, she's venemently opposed, she won't do a voice message. Okay, cool. But then I said to her, I said, Look, when I write email, I can look really direct. I don't do the hi joy, like I'm just answering your question. So it's like, don't listen to it, the tone, the way that I speak. It looks clipped. It looks direct. So like having the conversation with your daughter. It's like, the reason this doesn't work for me is, you know, like it takes me so much time, or, yeah, I feel really restricted. Or I feel like you're going to screenshot it and send it back to me like evidence. So it's kind of like maybe finding a a ground of like, if you're going to insist that I communicate like this, I'm not doing the pleasantries like of high buy whatever. Or we can communicate like this however much time, but once a week. We talk on the phone, or finding some sort of middle ground, because, yeah, like, it's, there's, it's funny, my my husband was actually my sister's friend first, because he was friends with her husband, and they were, they were friends and whatever. When we met, she was like, Why does he always email you back? He never writes back to me, you know, and I asked him about it. We weren't dating, we were just friends at time, whatever he's like, because she never asked me a question. She's like, you always ask what's very engineering minded, you know, period, yeah, and it's funny too. Like my son, he's on the spectrum, so it could be that. But like last term, he played soccer after school on a Thursday. He didn't want to do it this term, so I was planning to pull him out, which, you know, which we did. And then the school said. School Principal said, Oh, customer, we're changing the soccer from Thursday to Tuesday. Will that be a problem for you? He's like, No, it's no problem. And I said, did you say to her, you're not planning to come because I don't want to do it off, but she didn't ask that. She asked, Is that going to be problem? Yeah, no, it's not gonna be a problem because I'm not doing it anymore. So you could be like, Oh, that kid's, you know, do you know what I mean? So it's kind of like sometimes these failures to communicate. Like, if you said, if, if you're assuming you're gonna keep going with this thing, like, I'd be like, oh, so he's, she says, no worries, but he has no worries because he's not coming. So it's kind of like when we have this thing, if we say to the person, like, I said to my daughter, I can't do 10 o'clock at night because I'm exhausted and I can't get to sleep. And then she didn't voice it, I'm like, I'm guessing. And she nodded that 3pm is too early for you because you haven't processed it yet. Yeah. But then sometimes at seven, like, and there's so many like examples of things where in our people pleasing attempt, we're not helping the person. We're enabling them. If I keep talking to her at 10 o'clock at night, that's not helping her, that's enabling her, things same as my son, as I said, like another like dumb example. One day I was going to the city to watch Hamilton love that show, so when I dropped him at school. Um, he'd forgotten his school bag. Now, in the past, I would have gone home, picked up his bag, just missed my show, because if you get to like theater here, they lock you out an office over there. But I'm like, dude, you've forgotten your bag. Like, you're gonna have to ask people to borrow a pencil and a rubber and a ruler and, oh, sorry, you guys call it a razor. I did ring the canteen and organize a lunch for him. I didn't make my kids starve, but it's kind of like I'm not going to put myself out to make it more convenient for you. And guess what? He's never forgotten his bag again, whereas, if I kept running home, he kept forgetting it because he knew mum would save him. So sometimes, in our people pleasing rescuer tendencies, we aren't actually teaching anybody anything well. And in some ways, I guess, like, if it's not a kiddo, but more of like a colleague or an employee, we're not holding that standard for them to become the best of themselves and and really take, I've got an old example that made me really unpopular. Yeah, my I live in Sydney, so we have a lot of international sports games and stuff. My family's from Tassie, the tiny island down the bottom. My sister was coming to visit. She was hiring a vehicle, so she had a higher car. Anyway, she's gone in the netball. And I said, Whatever you do, book parking, you will not get parking on the day like series like this. And I said to her joy, at least three times, maybe four. Book parking. Have you booked parking yet? Have you booked parking yet? She got here was on the day or the day before, and I said, Oh, did you book the parking? And she's like, Oh, no, I didn't. I said, Oh, you need to catch a train. She's like, I'm not catching public transport. I don't know. The problem is, I love public transport, but you're each their own. She's like, you can just drop me off. And the thing is, in the past, I would have and I was like, I've got to work. Is all your work for yourself. And I'm thinking, you want me to cancel my clients the day before because you didn't book the parking that I told you to book. So we kind of had this loggerheads thing about it. And I was like, you know, I told you to book parking. You didn't book it. You need to catch a train. And she's like, I don't want to catch a train. Her not wanting to catch a train is not my problem. I was like, right? Catch an Uber, then I don't want to pay for an Uber. So, like, often, you know, we're trying to problem solve for people who don't want to be inconvenienced, but they don't have any problem inconveniencing us. That's so true. And I think a lot of caretakers, people pleasers, we do try to preemptively, you know, okay, make sure you do this and make sure you have this and make sure you organize the parking and and maybe people are used to us being a little bit permissive. And how did she react when you put your foot down and said, like, I've already told you, she was pissed. Like, there's often the biggest pushback from your closest people, course, and also, I'm the youngest when I grew up like, I think sometimes when you move away, you're frozen in time to them. Like, the first year I moved away, I organized two surprise parties for my family interstate and flew down for them, and all this sort of stuff, like I was so, you know. And then the fact that it has even said to her how you need to book the parking, and mentioned a couple of times past me would have booked the parking and I hadn't even made the. Action, but maybe joy, that's what she was expecting. Oh, I would have just booked it for her, yeah, but it's just kind of like no letting people have the natural consequence of their actions. Provide it's not dangerous, like I wouldn't say to my kid, don't walk into the street. Oh, no, of course, of course. It's kind of like another one, like helping my kids with their homework. They know they need to ask me by this time. And I remember one time my daughter coming once again, 10 o'clock at night. I've got, I've got to build a diorama I'll call when by tomorrow, you're going to fail them crying. And she's like, Yo, you're the worst mom ever. Oh, my goodness. Now, whenever she gets a project that day, that day, I've got this Jew. It's this far out, yeah, because me doing her project for her is not setting her up for real life when she's got to go to a job or an interview or something, and wondering why she doesn't get it because her mom's not there to do it for her. It's so true, and some of it is especially with kids. It's a consistency thing, like my kids knew, do not ask me if you can do something, if it's right now, like it's a no. I need to know the day before. I need time to process. I need to do research, or whatever it might be. I need to meet these parents, you know, whatever it is. So I think that for me, was an easier one to hold. But sometimes it is like we feel pushed in a corner, and what's the easiest or best or most successful way to kind of hold that boundary when something's happening without going into an overreaction, is it just restating? It's just kind of like it it's noticing the pushback and noticing the the hurt people may very well feel hurt. We're not responsible for people's emotions like it's just reminding yourself of that, but they are not harmed. Like my sister, she didn't want to catch the train, okay? For whatever reason. She don't like public transport, that's fine. She didn't want the hurt or the sting of having to pay for an Uber okay, but it's kind of like, but none of these let people have their reactions, I guess, yes, and not make it mean anything about you, because people do have reactions. Like, I have reactions all the time. I'm like, you know, but as kids, it's funny, young kids have a tender temper tantrum, throw it around, and then they're fine. There's an adult, they just tend to sit on it and see and sit on it and see, and it's kind of like whatever reaction they're having, they're they're entitled to it. That doesn't mean you literally need to witness or be on the receiving end of it, and also to, like, a boundary with people. It's kind of like, if you raise your voice, I will hang up the phone. Like, I won't be yelled at, although I'm a sweary fairy, I also won't be sworn at, like I swear but yes, we're at so it's kind of like, and I give people the one warning you're yelling at me. I won't be spoken to like this. If this continues, I will end the call, right and then ending the call, and then it's funny, sometimes too, ending the call. If they ring straight back now I don't answer, because sometimes before I've answered and they've been like, nobody hangs up on me. But it's kind of like, you got to look after yourself first self first. Isn't selfish. So if you don't want to be yelled at, if you don't want to be this sort of stuff, and also, like your feelings are your own too. So it's like when you start to say, You made me feel as I don't know I felt like this in response to and sometimes we do over give and over deliver and override our own boundaries, because we can't handle how we feel when they have that reaction, but over time, but letting holding the ground there and letting that reaction happen, like next time my sister visit, she sure she'd booked parking, has an Uber or something. Well, like you said about that other mom, that you were kind of driving around town. It's at some point, I think that resentment that festers in us when we're either not saying our boundary or being a pushover or people pleaser, enabling others, eventually we get to decide that our feelings matter equally to everyone else, or some version of that exactly and also too, if you want something like to say now, if a friend actually, I would not drive to the Sydney Airport or live in Sydney. Now for anything, not even for my own family, I don't even drive there for me. I can't stand it. It creeps me out. It's scary. It's too busy, like, so I just Uber it, baby. I hang the expense, you know, or train, yeah, because I don't mind the train, but it's kind of like, if you would do it to say they wanted me to take them to something else, and it was an hour away, and I might, but I would say, Well, you know, you're covering the petrol, or whatever it is, or fuel, whatever you call it like, what, what is the hang up point for you? Because sometimes it's kind of like, it's, it's an expense, not just energy and time, but it's also money. Or it's kind of like, if, you know, if you go out for dinner, like most of my friends, I shout this time you shout that time, it's kind of, it is what it is. But I've got a couple of friends who are real, like, line by line item, yeah. And so it's kind of like, will you just pay you a half an iPad? Like, what is it? And that could, it doesn't need to be across the board for everyone in your life. It could be for some friends, we you do, I do, and for other friends to be like, you know? And like, there'll be some people too. Like most. People know, don't touch stuff off on my plate. Like, I have got through the kid thing where people so it's kind of like, if you want that, order it yourself, especially if you go somewhere, like, it's funny, my sister and I went on a cruise, and I like chips, you guys call them fries. And she's like, she doesn't like chips, but she does, but she'll just pinch mine, and I'll be like, order your own. We're not paying for them. We've already paid for the trip. But it's kind of like, you know, what is the boundary? I don't like people, I get the food that I like unless we go somewhere and we decided ahead of time we're having a share flight or something. But like, don't just assume and communicating that. And people like, oh yeah, don't. Don't touch this food. That's so funny well, and I think it's, a good part of learning about ourselves. I would imagine it's probably a lot of what you help your clients with in coaching is really just understanding, like you said, Well, what's the sticking point for you here? Is it that you're spending your gas, your petrol? Is it that you're taking the time like deducing it down to exactly what the feeling is, maybe, or the resistance, and then creating the boundary around that is that right? 100% it's a case by case basis. Like people often ask me, why don't I have a formula, or why don't have a blueprint? I want to have a structure or six steps, because there isn't that. Every person, every scenario, is different. I have different boundaries with my kids than I do with my extended family that I do with people I don't know. And also, it's funny, like when people get to know your boundaries, my son, he, as I said, he's very literal. He had this homework, and it said, Your mum has 12 chocolates. You asked for six. How many chocolates does your mum have? And he wrote 12. And the teacher marked him as wrong. And I actually had to say, and it was so funny. It's like, my mum doesn't share. Like, do the math. It was like, if you want him to go 12 minus six, or your mom gave you six. Like, but how do you phrase the question? Yeah, because it's like you phrased the question. You asked for six. How many does she have? She still has 12, baby, because she said, No, it's such a good such a good point to really be minding the way that we communicate and making sure the other person is receiving what we're communicating and maybe even saying it back so we can make sure we're on the same just because I say it when we design, it's such a great thing. Like, what did you hear me say? Not in a Did you hear me say, court of law kind of thing? But yeah, because then it's like, I heard you say you don't want to go to lunch with me. Like, maybe that's not what you said. You just said, like, can we just pick our own food? Yeah. How does that land for you? Or, you know, so that they that you're on the same page like I, as I said, my friends text me first, and they so something my friends do is they go, you got spoons, which means, have you got availability to listen to my event today? It wasn't that long ago. Friends said, You got spoons. I had so much stuff going on with the kids I couldn't see above water. And I'm like, not today. Hit me up next week. Yeah, anyway, and come back to me, they've broken up with their fiance. I was like, oh my god, I would have made spoons for that. Yeah, that was a big category for our communication because, like, you got spoons. I thought you just wanted to vent about your boss or something. I didn't realize your whole life was changing. So Well, that's such a good point asking that person like, Are you available? I have kind of the other side of that coin where I am often saying, okay, pause, do you need me to just hear you right now? Are you looking for some brainstorming solutions? I tend to be, like, very solution oriented, and that's often what people are coming to me for. But, like, my kiddos often just want to, like, emotionally vomit the thing, and that's also fine, but I just need to know so that they're feeling supported as we're having the communication. How can I support you right now? It's an amazing sentence. I say, sometimes people just want to be heard as you said, Yeah, and like, with my friends or whatever, I'll be like, do you want the coach answer, or do you want the friend answer? Yeah, he's an asshole, and which house, yeah? Or if they send me something, as I said, like, Do you want a cheerlead? Oh, this is amazing. Or do you want what I really think? And most people will say both and then. So it's kind of like you can say that there, but I think sometimes choosing your audience for who you go to as well. Like, to never ask my dad, what does he think of something, because he has no filter. He'll always just say exactly what he thinks. And sometimes I just need to be told it's amazing. So then I'll go to a friend and go tell me, I'm amazing. Do you mean you having that little wherewithal too, of knowing how you respond to things? Because yeah, I also am a fixer person. You go to an emergency, but sometimes people don't want fixing. Most of the time. People just want to be heard well. And it's a big part of, I think, taking our own responsibility too, to say, like, hey, Suzanne. Like, I just, I know you really are going to want to help me with this, but actually, I just want to complain for five minutes, or you have five minutes for that. Like, it's kind of both taking responsibility for the relationship really, yeah, 100% because I love what you said that if, if you're, if you're wanting to make a boundary with someone's because you're wanting to continue the relationship just with maybe some more boundaries. Yes, boundaries aren't a good thing. Aren't a bad thing, they're a good thing. We want to keep this going, but I want to keep it going in a way that's a win, win, not a way where I feeling have to compromise myself constantly. Yeah. Because, like, I'm very direct. I'm also very Aussie, so a lot of my clients are American, so sometimes I have to have one. This might have been Aussie ism or it's like, so, like, it's funny. The other day, I had a client, and she was coming up with a new platform thing, and she wanted to put the same thing on sub stack, medium Patreon, and test where she's going to get her most traction. And I was like, Oh, so you can put the same shit everywhere. And then I was like, Oh, hang on, I didn't mean, and she's also Australian, so she's like, No, I get you, yeah, yeah. But if I said that to perhaps an American guy, they might be like, Oh my gosh. You saying that works bad. And I'm like, No, the same shit everywhere is in the same content. So it's kind of, is it a cultural or language or like, however your brain is processing the thing versus, you know how you word it? So when people that's why I literally say on my bio everywhere, I'm a sweary fairy, stuff's gonna come out. Yeah, so don't be surprised. I remember my mom when I first, my mom's now passed, but when I first became 100% me in my business, like, I don't have the makeup photos on my site because I don't wear makeup. I've got the same shirts and stuff I wear every day. And she's like, What happens when people read your swear words on your homepage? You'll be like, it'll prepare them for when I say I'm in session. I really loved that about your website, and that, especially the way that you, you know, write those newsletters that I'm now raving about to everybody. There's a realness in it. It's kind of a stripping away, which, in my perspective, as a little American over here, I do have some amazing Aussie friends, and you guys do tend to be very who you are for the most part, which I really love, because it just gives other people permission to know how to come to the party with you. And like you would even one section of like, Hey, you can wear your pjs to our meetings. I am, it's fine, like, it's, you know, I just, I really love that realness. And I'm sure a lot of people are drawn to you because they don't have to pretend, yeah. And it's funny, I did the DISC profile, or whatever that personality one like, I paid and got it done professionally, not okay. And they said I was the only person that ever seen like the profiler whose profile was exactly the same for personal and business. Like, usually interesting, yo. And I was like, because, because who I am so I am like, I don't, I don't edit my business. I don't in my life. And it's funny, people will often tell you how you got to be like, You can't do this unless. And I was like, according to who did Moses write that in stone? Like, yeah, exactly. Like, yes. Follow the letter of the law, wear your seat belts, drive the speed limit, all that sort of stuff. Don't drink and drive. But a lot of the things that you should do in business are just told by someone who's trying to sell you something. Anyway, everyone who complains about how my podcast is unedited is usually the people who run a podcast editing service and are trying to sell me their shit. That's so funny. I mean, you had my heart the minute we emailed, because I don't edit either. And I'm like, Oh, this is amazing. Like, I just very little front and back and nothing in the middle, because that's just not my jam either. And you'll just to your point earlier about how we were talking about you'll get one or two stray emails back about not liking your emails and your storytelling. And it's like, well, those people weren't for you anyway, and you know, bless them, on their way and, oh, something that will trigger someone like, sometimes it time, reader, there'll be somebody who's been on my list for a long time, and whatever I said that day hit too close to the mark. Yeah. And for whatever reason, sometimes they unsubscribe quietly, sometimes they unsubscribe loudly, sometimes they come back, yeah. It's like, it's not, it's never about me. And I think when we totally realize people's reaction is very little to do with us, because I can say the same thing to 2000 people, and one of them can be bent out of shape, and the others, and then you tend to focus on that one, and your people pleasing comes in, yeah, and then it's kind of like your stuff gets very generic. So yeah, it's so, I mean, we can't water down everything for for there's always, I've learned the hard way so many times, there's always going to be a few. Not everyone's going to like me. Some people are going to reject me just based on the title of an email or the way I'm wearing my hair that day. Like, Oh, that's stuff about my eyebrows. That's so funny. I find that interesting. Or the offhand comments that I say, because I'm just so direct. Like, I said something recently, I've never meant it in an offensive way. I was like, Do you have imposter syndrome? Are you just not good at it? Like, it's so funny because I got imposter syndrome, and it's like, but if you haven't done the thing yet, you're not good at it. You can't have imposter syndrome. You have the valid piece of it. So it's just kind of like, but I didn't mean it to be like, I say you suck at life. It's like, you haven't done it enough times. Yeah, I think that's really valid. And the truth is, yeah, not everyone likes to look at themselves. People tend to be quick to lash so I just think it's so important to keep in our consideration when we are making boundaries or exercising boundaries, like, Hey, it's okay if they don't like it, or they get angry because maybe they didn't have permission to make that boundary. Or that's usually what it is. Yeah, you've been audacious enough to say something that they're dying to say, and when they do come back, it's always interesting. The number of people who come back, it's usually because you said something it hit. Too close to home. How dare you say that? Because I've always wanted to say it, but I couldn't. Yeah, they often don't say that, but just that's part of the mix. Some of the time, I want to respect your six months later, I know that's great. I want to respect your time. I know you've got things today. I know we're in very different time zones. Will you tell the people? I will link everything in the show notes. Will you let everyone know how to find you. Definitely. Highly recommend subscribing to your newsletter. Best place to find me is my website, Suzanne colberg.com and if you've got any questions or whatever, the most funnest page my website, Suzanne colberg.com forward slash contact. Anything you got about the episode that you want to share, please feel free to go there. Fill it in. You'll know within a minute whether I'm for you. And depending on how you answer my contact page, oh no, because yeah, that's that's the biggest thing. My contact page gets a lot of people offside. And I'm like, yeah, it's deliberate, that way. Funny. Well, you've got a book and you've got programs and you've got coaching. Oh, I've been all through your website, and I love the newsletter, like I said, I think it's a real glimpse into your actual personality and and just date like real life, day to day, I keep thinking about the one where your your kiddo, had the school recital. And I just, it just took me back to those days of going to those school recitals and drop offs and where's my kid. And okay, I gotta just trust that they found the teachers are supposed to be with and someone's gonna organize them. And I, too, have one that agrees to things and then won't come out. And so, yeah, I found that one. So thank you for really so openly, not just sharing here with us today, but for those that do get on your newsletter and kind of integrate into your system, you're sharing real and true and and about your real life all the time, which I really appreciate. Thanks for having me joy. Thank you. I'm gonna shift gears and put you through our spirit Speed Round very quickly. It's super fun and easy, as you know. Will you share one thing that really shocked you or was unexpected, as you started to get very clear and assertive in your boundaries, how many people weren't affronted by it? Like, how few are people? I think it's, you know, we tend to have one traumatic experience or one thing that's kind of locked in our mind. But how most people like, Yeah, sure. Like, it's not a big deal. Like, I'm breathing into a paper bag, even to this day, sometimes when I ask people for things and they're like, Yeah, it's fine. How often it's not what you think it's going to be, people are pretty cool with it. All right, that's a good one. If you got to spend a day in the spirit world, you got the full tour. You got to spend time with everyone who you've ever known, who's now crossed over, and it's almost time to return to your life, and your guide tells you you have one hour and you can spend it with anyone who's on the other side. Who do you choose and why? I actually had this conversation with my son the other day we were watching somebody got a half an hour ticket to spend with anybody, and I my answer then was my mother. But what was interesting, after talking him, is actually my grandmother, because I never met her. She passed before I was born. And I was like, because he said that he's like, I'd love to meet her. And I was like, I would too, actually, because all the stories my mom used to share so my grandma, but a cool conversation to have with a kiddo too. I feel like it's nice they have, like, such delicious answers. Even though we have spiritual and intuitive gifts, we have very human lives. What's one more quirky thing about you that people might be surprised to learn, although I'm ridiculously introverted, my very first job was as a clown. Oh my gosh, I love it. Well, that's good. I mean, you still people don't see you necessarily. So I could get that you could step into a different persona. Will you leave us with a pearl of wisdom? What's one piece of advice that you wish you had had earlier on in your journey? When you stop people pleasing, some people will not be pleased. I love it, but most like cheer leading for you, and like, oh thank goodness, especially ones who love you most, your friends, your family, your partner, if you have one, they'll be like, oh thank goodness she has a backbone. They like it. They appreciate that. Well, it gives them permission to also say, you know, I don't like smelly perfume, whatever. Yeah, it's so it's so freeing to live a life where you don't have to worry about the backlash and stuff, because people will just be honest with you too, and sometimes other people's responses to you can sting, but then it's like, yeah, that's just how they're feeling at that given moment, nothing to do with you. Like, don't take so much life personally, and then life will be so much more joyous. I love that. Well, I hope everyone will check out Suzanne colberg.com everything's in the show notes, you can easily just click away and get right to Suzanne and her amazing newsletter. Again, I highly recommend it. Thank you so much. I feel like I could chat with you for hours, but thank you for being here and shining your light with us today. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for joining me today for this conversation, what did you think of Suzanne, of her way of sharing, of her very special way of being caring and kind, but also very direct. It's really interesting when someone can hold space in that way, when someone can help us start to learn how to extract what is the sticking point for us in any given. And situation or scenario. You guys, know, I love that tool about pausing, but I love this added layer she gave us about not just pausing and asking, you know, can I get back to you tomorrow on that but also that second part, that part B, of perhaps suggesting a different activity if we realize, you know, maybe we don't want to do that activity. Maybe timings off that for that activity, but being able to suggest an alternative activity, I really like that. And I think we just had so many gems and so much wisdom from Suzanne today, if you are looking for coaching, or notice through this conversation or just on your own that maybe you're wanting to more deeply understand your own boundaries, or work on being in better communication about boundaries in your life and your work, or just in general, I highly recommend checking out Suzanne Colberg. You can find her on all the social media platforms. She also has her own podcast. She wrote a book. I will link everything in the show notes for you. You heard me say it so many times in this episode, I highly recommend her newsletter. I have been really enjoying reading it, and I I don't love reading everyone's newsletters, if I'm quite honest, but hers are short and entertaining, and there's a truth that runs through them that just really resonates with me. So I hope you'll subscribe and let me know if you like them as well. What were your biggest takeaways from this episode? I would love it if you would share it with me. And I'd also love it if you would share any topics or areas of the woo woo, or luminaries or spiritual gifts that you want to hear about. I'm always open to hearing about what you want to learn about or dive into next you can always email us admin at joyful medium.com and share your thoughts about this episode or what you would like to hear about in a future episode. Most of you know I do the free monthly community healings. I also do a weekly reading and energy check every week, which releases on Friday. If you're not already on my email list, suggest going to my website, joyful medium.com, there's a free course right on the home page called sign magnet. If you drop your info in there, you will get on the mailing list, and you can start coming to either free events, getting the readings, getting access to the podcast just a slightly bit earlier. And I'm so grateful to have you as a part of our community, whether it's for a few minutes or for many years. Big hugs. Lots of love. Bye for now, from inside Spirit speak easy.